Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Trouble with Werewolves: A Guest Post from an Anonymous Werewolf-Dating Girl

[The opinions of the anonymous girl (stated below) are not necessarily the views held by author Shannon Delany, nor do they reflect the actuality of the world of 13 to Life (Shannon's boys are far better behaved--mostly). But this does make Shannon giggle.]

I know, I know. Everywhere girls right now are dreaming about dating werewolves. They’ve read books about them, watched movies — mooned over pictures of actors who portray werewolves. But the truth and fiction are waaay far apart on this one. How do I know?

I’ve dated a few werewolves in my time.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. They’re moody. You think girls are bad once a month? The moment that moon goes full it’s like a zoo. At night your boyfriend’s an animal (and not in the way you might anticipate with curled toes) and in the daytime? Snoring like he’s cutting logs.

They’re territorial. It goes beyond glaring at guys who check you out. Werewolves will find any excuse to whip it out and pee around your yard, marking their territory. Maybe you’re shrugging, saying that’s not so bad. My dog does that all the time. Yeah. But your dog probably doesn’t live on a steady diet of beer, burritos and small fuzzy forest dwellers.

That wild musk authors talk about in their books — like the loamy scent of the forest? It’s hell to get out of your clothes after a good makeout session. My advice? Burn your clothes. Your werewolf boyfriend can then feel good about whipping it out and doing his part to help prevent forest fires.

And don’t get caught in a rainstorm with your werewolf beau. He may be keen on sharing your umbrella, but that animal musk I just mentioned? Magnify it a hundred times. Wet dog smells sweet in comparison.

There are also things you don’t want to say around a werewolf. Phrases like: “Lemme’ fix you right up” makes them very nervous and any paragraph including the words “red,” “riding,” and “hood” gets misconstrued as an invitation to have a little romp.

The good stuff about werewolves? They’re loyal. They can get whatever they want if they use their “puppy dog eyes” and you’ll never need to worry about leftovers in your fridge because the phrase “hungry like a wolf?” There’s a reason for that. And werewolf guys? They totally get it when you’re acting like a bitch. To them, it’s normal.

There’s remarkably little humping of legs (please note, I said little—not none) and although that "wolf whistle" can be annoying and very anti-feminist, it's not too bad if the right lips are blowing the tune. And some guys have wolfish grins that definitely make my heart beat fast...

So what was I saying?

Yeah. The trouble with dating a werewolf is... Well, all relationships are complicated, aren't they?

[Hope you got a giggle or a snort out of it, too--Shannon]

5 comments:

Casse AKA Catholic Kittie said...

HAHAHA! OH that is funny!!! " To them, it’s normal." That is the best part of dating a werewolf I guess. *loves*

This has made my day and I am grinning ear to ear.
Casse

Liz said...

Forget giggling, I actually laughed out loud. The first time I can use "Lol" and mean it :P. Thanks for this, it really cheered me up.

thekams said...

Haha, "puppy dog eyes". This is awesome!

Erika Lynn said...

hilarious!

Jenny N. said...

I love this, it really just made me smile.